It’s not like I made the choice to let my mind stay so f*cking messy.

The past month has been a difficult one for me. Anyone who knows me will tell you I’m a highly self-aware and emotional person. I love fiercely, trust blindly and consequently open my heart up to a world of pain. I feel every feeling there is in great magnitude and though some have told me it’s a great gift – it often feels like a curse.

You see, opening the door to my most vulnerable self so freely has allowed me to find some of my most loyal friends. It has allowed me to feel their joy and sorrow as if it were my own. It has taught me much about what I know about love & trust – and equally what I know about heartache. But it has also allowed people in who have hurt me profoundly and taken parts of me with them, parts I can never get back.

It’s in those moments of heartache, disappointment, and emptiness in which my mind becomes incredibly heavy. So heavy I feel my head and my heart (very much one in the same for people like myself) may burst at any given moment. My anxiety fires up. My friend depression pays a visit. Paranoia knocks. And the never-ending conveyor belt of questioning myself starts moving.

But surprisingly enough, this f*cking mess that is my mind, is worth it.

It may sound like complete hogwash but how can we truly appreciate joy, love, and happiness if we haven’t endured pain? How can we create relationships so real and so fulfilling that they become extensions of our very being without having felt heart ache or disappointment?

The weight of this journey, both figuratively and literally, is bringing every emotion to the surface. Instead of embracing these emotions that I know will propel me forward to achieve the goals I’ve set for myself, I can’t help but feel myself withdrawing. From family, from friends, from work. The urge to eat comfort food and crawl into a hole and hide is at an all-time high. I even toyed with deleting this blog and giving up. As hopeful and positive as I try to be, my mind doesn’t always operate the way that I’d like it to.

Thankfully my support system keeps me going. Keeps me motivated. My realization of the tribe I’ve built for myself (to be expanded on in a future post) is truly humbling. Getting back to my regular fitness classes this week has helped lift the funk I’ve been dwelling in and I’m slowly starting to feel lighter, stronger and more focused than ever.

I acknowledged in my Introductions post that I was going to share the good, bad and ugly of this journey. So here it is, in its rawest form. I know there are going to be hard days, weeks and months ahead. Bring on the blood, sweat, and tears. Okay, maybe the blood part isn’t really applicable here.

I’ll be back, I need to go stock up on Kleenex and ice cream.

❤

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Title Lyrics – “Heavy” by Linkin Park