14 years, my love. That’s how long I’ve loved you.
I want you to know that I see you. I really really see you. And I know I don’t always let you see me. Like, really see me.
I think I know what it must have felt like to fall in love with me and also take on this taxing weight I carry around. But I don’t, my love. I’ve never asked you.
I think you have a pretty good understanding of my anxiety and depression – what triggers me, what calms me. But I don’t, my love. I’ve never asked you.
I think I know what you feel like when I’m spinning out of control and there’s nothing you can do for me. But I don’t, my love. I’ve never asked you.
I think I know what it must be like when you’re excited to come home and see me, only to get the worst version of me after I’ve given everyone else the very best. But I don’t, my love. I’ve never asked you.
I think I know what it must feel like to be rejected. But I don’t, my love, because you’ve never rejected me the way I’ve rejected you.
I think I know what it must be like to have watched me take such poor care of myself over the years, to the point where I’m unrecognizable to the woman you fell in love with. But I don’t my love, I’ve never asked you.
I don’t think you worry about me hurting myself. But I don’t really know, my love. I’ve never asked you.
I want you to know that I see you. I see you shuffle the boys into another room when you find me crumbled over in tears for no apparent reason. A reason I don’t have the answer to myself.
I want you to know that I see you. I see the light in your eyes drain when you try to cheer me up or be silly (one of the reasons I fell so hard, so quickly for you) and I meet you with disgust and anger. And though I feel immediate regret, it’s too late to take it back.
I want you to know that I see you. I see how you tiptoe around me and try to make sense of every mood or meltdown. Every look or unexpected reaction.
I want you to know that I see you. I see you come home from a long day at work only to have to get back to work at home while I try and just be present enough to parent.
I want you to know that I see you. I see how my struggles have hardened you. How you’re sometimes unrecognizable from the carefree soul I fell in love with.
I think I know how hard this has been for you. Because it’s been really f*cking hard for me. But I don’t my love. I’ve never asked you.
I want you to know that I see you. There isn’t a day that goes by where I don’t think about what it’s done to you. What it’s done to us.
I want you to know that I know it’s about me, like a lot, basically all of the time. My worries, my triggers, my feelings. But I see you there, my love. And I see you’re hurting too.
But I’m trying. I’m really really trying. You’re worth it. F*ck, do you know how much you’re worth it?
And I think that I’m worth it, too. We’ve built this beautiful life together. And it’s crazy and loud and chaotic and overwhelming and yes it’s hard, it’s really hard. But it’s full of laughter and love too.
I think that despite how I’ve burdened you with this unfair weight you carry, it’s the question I never need to ask you.
14 years, my love. That’s how long I’ve loved you.
And I promise to spend the next 14 years trying to let you really see me and reminding you that I do see you, my love. I really really see you.
With love,
D
❤
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Title Lyrics – “Stand By You” by Rachel Platten
Too Much to Lose 