Working through this process has meant unpacking layers upon layers of denial, self harm and painful memories and associations with my weight. And since exercise has always been the hardest thing for me to really commit to, because frankly, I’m lazy AF, I decided to tackle in first in this 1,000th attempt at getting my life back.
14 years, my love. That’s how long I’ve loved you. I want you to know that I see you. I really really see you. And I know I don’t always let you see me. Like, really see me.
There’s a lot of misperception when it comes to the word, crisis. I imagine some people envision it like a glass being knocked over and shattering on the floor into a million pieces. It’s obvious. It's loud. But that's not always case.
The past 75 days have been dark. I’ve been drowning. Unlike past storms, this one hasn’t cleared. 75 days ago an old friend of mine took his own life.
Sometimes she's lost, sometimes she's broken. Sometimes she's closed, sometimes she's open. Sometimes she's stone cold, at times she's on fire. Mostly, she's everything I desire.
This is just one of the things Plus sized people need to think/worry about. Not everything is designed for anyone who exceeds the average size. This includes movie theatre chairs, airplane seats, products with weight limitations (including rides) and just about anything that requires you to "fit" where someone smaller can.
You're not perfect and I know you've be the first to admit it. None of us are. But the lessons you've taught me and the strength you continue to exude have truly provided me with an exceptional life. I hope you know that.
Thirteen years creates a lot of memories. They play in my mind like a song you haven't heard in years but when it starts to play you know every word by heart. The lyrics tell the stories of love, heartache, tragedy, and miracles. And the rhythm keeps me moving in the darkest of times.
With the start of a New Year I can't help but wonder what projects will end up on my never-land list of near-completion. Perhaps I will see that loading bar reach it's final destination. Probably f*cking not.
So naturally, I did what anyone else who lost their initial 10 pounds would do. I crumbled under pressure and stopped doing anything all together. That's a normal thing to do right? Haha, f*ck. If you're new to my blog this isn't my first set back. It surely won't be my last. See, when you're an Anxiety Girl who also suffers from depression, and I am wholeheartedly an AG*, nothing is easy.